The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen
by OhGeeFantasy
Summary: Because a few friends dared me to write something kind of questionable, I give you this little gem. I plan to add more as I think of different predicaments Edward can get himself into. Thanks to Leighlee for the prompt, BornOnHalloween and NChanted by Twilight for egging me on. Beware! You might just want to skip over this one altogether. EPOV
1. Chapter 1

**Picture prompt: When your girl's dad walks in and you have to shake his hand right after you finished finger blasting her.**

**^^^Eww!^^^**

**You can find the picture on my stories page. It's utterly disgusting and I was dared to write this. **

**Sooo … You can thank Leighlee Bliss McCloy for posting said prompt as well as Kaye P Hallows (BornOnHalloween) and Tracy Alter for daring me—egging me on.**

**Disclaimer**: **The author does not own any publicly recognizable characters herein. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen**

**Chapter 1 – Something Smells a Little Fishy**

"We have the house all to ourselves tonight," Bella shrieks and claps her hands together as we exit the school and hurry to my Volvo.

The wind is cold, blowing harsh across our faces. The ominous clouds above our heads are heavy as if precipitation is weighting them toward the ground. The smell of rain is in the air and I just know it will fall at some point during the evening—as it always does—so I'm happy Bella and I will have a warm couch or bed to fool around on.

"Are you sure, babe?" I open the car door and wait for Bella to enter.

"Totally. I overheard Dad talking to Billy about going fishing after work."

"That's awesome because it's been too long since I've had you alone in an empty house." I waggle my brows, hopefully sending sly signals of what I have in store for her … later. I swear Junior twitches in my jeans, giving himself a burn across his head—since I boycott wearing underwear. It just isn't my style. But then again, Junior being active is a common occurrence when Bella is around.

"Let's go to the diner and grab a couple of shakes, and then we can wait there until the coast is clear. You know Charlie would shit a brick if he knew you were coming over without him there to chaperone."

"With this new haircut of yours, he might be on to something." I flick the side of her short asymmetrical bob with my index finger and then put my car into drive. Bella's smile lights up the dreary day and my heart, all at the same time.

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The diner is buzzing with activity. The gang is here making plans for the weekend while stuffing fries and shakes in their faces. Emmett and Rose along with Alice and Jasper are debating which movie they want to watch in Port Angeles tonight. I'm pretty sure the girls are winning with a chick flick. Bella and I are invited, but we smile and happily decline the offer of triple dating. I have something else much more exciting on the agenda for this evening.

"Okay, it's your loss," Emmett says. Throwing a fry up in the air and catching it in between his teeth. The guy is nothing if not coordinated.

"I'm definitely not losing out tonight." I nudge my friend, and he guffaws loudly, bringing attention to our table.

"Shh. Jacob is here, and he'll tell his dad if he hears our plans," Bella scolds. "He's such a tattletale."

Jasper chimes in. "True. That punk needs his ass kicked one day."

"Oh, he's harmless," Alice says kissing Jasper's cheek and then wiping her lipstick print off his face.

"Come on, we're going to miss the eye candy if we don't leave. We're going to see. Magic Mike, baby!" Rose chants much too loud.

Thank God Bella and I aren't tagging along because I don't think I can compete with the likes of Channing Tatum and his slick-as-shit moves.

I lean toward Bella whispering in her ear, "You ready, hot stuff?"

And it's like I've put a stick of dynamite under her sweet cheeks because she's up and heading to the door, pulling me along with her.

I yell over my shoulder, "See ya later."

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The Swan house is dark when we pull in the driveway. Bella unlocks the door and flips the light switch on in the living room. Chief is long gone, and I'm ready to get my lovin' on. I can't wait another second, so I pull her flush against my chest and kiss her … hard.

"Mmm," she moans into my mouth.

"All I thought about at the diner was your hot little mouth somewhere very private." I point down to Junior, and Bella giggles.

"Oh yeah? Why don't you make yourself comfy, and I'll go change into something more convenient … if you know what I mean."

Junior does jumping jacks in his denim confines. "All right, hurry back."

As soon as Bella is out of sight, I hurdle my suave self over the back of the couch and prop my legs up on the coffee table.

And wait.

I listen as the rain pelts the windowpanes. It's coming down in sheets, and I'm glad we made it here in the nick of time without getting drenched.

Bella clears her throat, and I turn her way, watching as she walks all sultry in my direction. She's changed from her jeans to a very flowy, very accessible long-sleeve knee length dress. I pat my lap and she straddles me with a smile.

"I have a surprise for you."

My hands travel up her legs, and under her dress, her smooth skin rewards my fingers as I move them. Our lips meet, mouths part and tongues explore—along with my hands. I've been here before but each time seems like a new discovery, and now I've discovered my surprise.

NO PANTIES!

Junior begs to be released from his cage, but my hands are preoccupied. One hand grabs the soft roundness of Bella's ass and the other gently strokes the soft hair between her legs. She's wet, and begging me to hurry up and fill her with my fingers.

"Patience, babycakes."

I tease my girl, making her hornier. My fingers slide between her wet lips and down to her entrance, then back up to her swollen clit.

"Damn, Edward. You're making me crazy." She wiggles her hips, grinding into Junior with force.

"Ugh. Sugarbug." I toss her off my lap and onto her back, to the couch. I unbutton my jeans to relieve some of the pressure that's been squeezing Junior's head. Plus, I have better access to Bella's kitty.

MEOW!

My right hand resumes position on her pussy. I insert my middle finger and then another at her request.

"Oh, yes. Edward. I love how you finger blast me."Her hips are on a constant swivel, rolling and rolling like ocean waves. My fingers are completely engulfed by her warmth and sweet scent. My mouth waters; my tongue is jealous of my fingers having all the fun. I enjoy the view of my girl with her legs spread wide open and her dress hiked up around her waist. I can't wait until I'm naked, thrusting inside her.

Her moans are increasing, and Junior is begging for some action. Just when I think my hand is going to fall off from the hardcore pumping, Bella grabs my ears, pulling me to her. I love when I have her grasping for body parts, moaning, "Sweet, Jesus" as I bring her to climax.

"Whew," Bella says as she goes limp, but I'm ready for round two—and three and possibly four.

"What's that?" I ask. My heart is pumping from excitement, but I swear I heard something outside.

"What's what?"

"I heard something." I stand up and button my jeans. Bella sits up and drags her dress back down her legs. Just as I'm stepping away from the couch, the door swings open, and Charlie comes in soaked from the rain.

_Holy shit._

_Close call._

"Chief. Good evening." I continue to walk toward him. I'm on autopilot. I've been raised by parents that have stressed manners and respect for elders.

"Edward." His voice is less than thrilled, and I can see why.

I look over my shoulder and notice Bella's cheeks are pink and she's breathing a little heavy.

I stick my hand out to shake his hand, forgetting where said right hand has been playing—on and in his daughter's playground.

"How was fishing?" His grip is firm, his shake is commanding, and he's not letting go.

I catch a whiff of something pungent, fishy. I watch as Chief's lips mash together and his nose flairs.

"Fish. I smell fish." He releases my hand, and I discreetly wipe the remaining stickiness of Bella off my fingers on the side of my jeans.

"I don't smell anything." I lie like a hound dog.

Chief brings his hand to his nose, his fingers almost touch his mustache, and I'm saying a silent pray to the pussy Gods that he doesn't smear his daughter's scent on his face.

"Oh, Lord!" Charlie says. "How can you not smell that stank?"

My mouth goes dry. "Uh, Uh …" I'm seeing stars until Chief speaks again.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I haven't washed my hands since I cleaned the fish Billy and I caught. Come on son. Let's wash our hands."

I watch as Bella falls back on the couch covering her mouth. I hear her snickers and squeaking from behind me as I follow her dad to the kitchen to wash up.

_Fuck me. _

**If any of you have made it this far, I congratulate you! **

**So there you have it, I never pass up a dare. I hope you enjoyed this shitty little O/S.**

**BUT…I have a surprise! I'm going to keep this ongoing. When I think of funny and awkward Edward moments, or if my crazy friends give me prompts, I'll add to this thing. I'm sure Leighlee will be my biggest supporter and prompt giver.**

**I'll be completely surprised if I get any reviews and I'm sure I'll get some hate mail because this is just SO wrong. Bahahahaha!**

**Xo**

**OhGee**

**P.S. Thanks T for beta'ing**


	2. Chapter 2

**I had a relatively good response to this crazy fic. Thank you for the funny PM's, reviews, follows, favorites and ideas for future chapters. I love that you like my **_**unique **_**sense of humor.**

**Thanks to a certain person who will remain nameless. Her PM's have me laughing my ass off. **

**Thank you to Tracy for beat'ing. MUAH! Xo**

**And here we go …**

**The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen**

**Chapter 2- I Hate Tooting My Own Horn**

"It won't be that bad. Come on."

Bella sticks her bottom lip out in a plump pout and bats her eyelashes. It's such a girl move and works EVERY. DAMN. TIME. She knows it works too, which is the problem.

MY problem.

"I'll try, but I swear if I wither away and die of hunger I'll never forgive you."

"You'll be dead so it won't matter." She gives me a cheeky grin.

I can't help but swat her sweet ass with the back of my hand as I follow her out of the cafeteria.

"Ouch."

_It can't be that bad being a vegetarian, can it? Lots of people live this lifestyle. Maybe I can do this thing, anything for my Sweet Cheeks. _

"Promise me you won't cheat, and if you think you can't go one more minute without meat, I'll give you a little inspiration." She stops and licks her lips, and I find my back pushed against a locker. "If you know what I mean."

"Shouldn't that be my line?"

"Very funny." She wiggles her hips. "You can come over to my house and …"

I take her hand and pull her down the hall, cutting off her words. "Oh, fuck no! Last time I was at your house playing in your playground, your dad came home."

Bella laughs heartily. "I … I …" Her hand covers her mouth.

"Shut up, will you?" I try suppressing the smirk threatening to stretch across my face by mashing my lips together.

"Edward. I didn't smell like fish," she whispers. "You know I wouldn't ever let you down there without being clean."

I shake my head at the memory of shaking the Chief of Police's hand with cooter juice on my hand.

"One week, Bells. I'll give up meat for one week."

"Two," she counters. Her lashes bat like hummingbird wings and the pouty lip is back with a vengeance.

"Fine." My shoulders droop, and I think my head hangs a little at what I've just agreed to.

I give Bella a kiss on her cheek when I deposit her at her classroom before going across the hall to mine.

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Sue, our favorite diner waitress, delivers the massive amount of food we've ordered and we immediately dig in.

"She's crazy, guys. I told Bella I had an errand to run, but really I just needed to fill up on chili hotdogs, hamburgers and hot wings here before starting the dreaded veggie diet tomorrow.

"Why isn't she starting this on Monday? Don't all chicks start diet shit on Mondays—not Thursdays?" Jasper says. He has his corndog positioned in front of his mouth ready to sink his teeth into the fried goodness.

Emmett laughs. "You're doomed. You can't go without beef jerky or Slim Jims for two days without making a stop at the corner store. You'll be in full on withdrawal by the time two weeks is up."

"Fuck me running."

"Maybe it won't be as bad as you think," Jasper says. "They do make fake meat."

All three of our faces scrunch up at the thought.

"Never mind," he says swirling this corn dog in ketchup.

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"What'd you have for breakfast?" Bella's bubbly voice is sweet, yet unnerving all at the same time.

My mom got up early and made me breakfast, so I'm pretty okay at the moment.

"Eggs, oatmeal and an apple."

"Great. I brought our lunch. I want to make this easy for you."

I nod and roll my eyes. If she wants to make things easy on me then she could have done this damn thing all on her own, but instead she needs me to hold her hand or something. It's not like she's doing this for her health. She's all of a sudden become a PETA sympathizer. I'm all for the humane treatment of animals, but the farm variety should be okay to nourish our bodies.

"Can't wait."

"You'll be fine you big baby."

We take our seats in Biology, and all I can think about is Meat Lovers pizza, fried chicken, steak and any other meat I'm forbidden to consume during the next two weeks.

Day one officially sucks ass, and my stomach growls in protest.

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When I make my way through the cafeteria doors with Emmett and Jasper, Bella is already sitting at our table with what looks like our lunch set out and waiting for us. Emmett and Jasper chuckle, covering their mouths with their hands and nudging me with elbows, making fun of the scene up ahead.

I spot two bowls of leafy greens with colorful vegetables in them, a fruit salad and a single serving package of cheese with a water bottle.

"A rainbow of goodness is waiting for you," Bella says as I take my seat.

I mutter under my breath. "Fuck the rainbow." I manage a smile though. "Thanks, Sweet Cheeks."

I'm starving and try to ignore the guys as they continue to laugh at me. I'm definitely not looking their way while they eat their hot roast beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes and brown gravy smothered over the top because I'm afraid I'd jump over the table, knock them unconscious and scarf down their food.

Okay, so I peeked, and I do want to punch something.

Rose asks me how I'm doing so far on the diet, but I don't answer. I'm chewing a mouth full of salad, which tastes as good as what I imagine cut grass tastes like. Bella drizzled lemon vinaigretteon top of our salads, and I'm so unsatisfied right now that I'm afraid I might bite Rose's head off if I try carrying on a conversation with her. So, I ignore her.

_If I'm going to do this damn deal, Hidden Valley is going to be my best friend. I'll make the stop after school and buy a few bottles. _

"He will be fine," Bella says. "I have our meals planned out for the entire two weeks. I made menus on my computer. Oh!" She puts her fork down and reaches for her purse pulling a piece of paper out. "Here's your copy, baby."

My eyes tip up looking at the paper she put in front of me, and all I see are vegetables. I'm about to cry but then I see Friday, Bean Burritos.

Yes!

I could live off bean burritos and chips and salsa forever if I had to. Of course, I'd like some cow or chicken nestled in there, but if I put enough cheese and sour cream in them, I'll be one hundred.

"Thanks, Bells." And for the first time today, I think I might just survive.

"See. Not too bad, huh?"

"Can we make substitutions?"

"Sure, if it's on the list then that's fine."

"All right. I'm eating burritos for every meal."

Bella lifts her eyebrow and cocks her head. The half smile on her face should alert me that she knows something I don't. "It's cool with me, and the animals thank you too."

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"Mom!" I shout when I walk in the house from the garage. "Mom!"

"Edward? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Well, everything. I'm starving. Bella and this stupid diet she talked me into has me thinking about food constantly."

Mom laughs, taking a seat at the table offering me a snack. The kitchen smells of cinnamon and raisins and oatmeal.

"Have a cookie or five if you're famished." She winks.

I grab a seat next to her retelling the misery of watching Em and Jas eating Hot Roast Beef Sandwiches at lunch while I ate rabbit food. "It was horrible."

"It's sweet that you're going along with another one of Bella's whims."

"From what she told me about her mother jumping from one thing to another, I fear I'll be taking a pottery class at the Recreation Center soon."

"Oh, Edward." Mom slaps her hand down on the table as high pitched laughter escapes her lungs. I love my mom's laugh. It makes me laugh as well.

I wipe tears from my eyes, smiling. "So will you help me survive this diet?"

"Of course, Honey. How can I help?"

"I want bean and cheese burritos— lots of them."

Mom's eyes bug out, and again, I wonder why the women in my life are giving me these strange looks.

"O-kaaay."

"With sour cream."

"Kay." She bites her lip, but a smile is evident as she gets up to retrieve a piece of paper to make a grocery list.

"I figure I'll need two burritos each for lunch and dinner, every day, for fourteen days."

"Wow. Fifty-six burritos. Well, fifty-four since you've already had lunch." It is a statement, not a question. Her pen scribbles across the paper, listing tortilla shells, cheese, sour cream, beans, and more beans.

"Thanks, Mom."

"No problem, Honey."

"I'll pack your lunch for tomorrow. Should I pack some for Bella as well?"

"No, I think she wants to follow the menu she has mapped out. She's excited about eating leafy shit."

"Language," Mom scolds.

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Day Six – Burrito #22

I haven't been hungry, not in the least. Mom stuffs my burritos to the hilt with all the things I love: cheese, salsa, sour cream and beans. I can't say I'm satisfied though. I now understand why Bella and Mom gave me strange looks when I told them I only wanted to eat burritos because the gas building in my gut has me clenching my butt cheeks together like a vice grip.

Em and Jas have been declining my offers for lifts to school as of two days ago, ever since the last ride with me had them clawing for the window switches when less-than-fragrant air randomly escaped my ass. Even Bella has declined rides to and from school.

I'm officially a loner.

Every aspect of my life has been tainted.

Gym class is killer and has become a nightmare. I don't want to chance working out inside, so I ask coach if I can run outside. The fresh air is good; no, it's great, for everyone involved.

Running the track with my butt squeezed together gives me a very unique stride, and in spite of my efforts to keep from farting, my ass keeps tempo with my feet.

Every time one of my feet hits the ground, my ass announces it to everyone in a five mile radius.

Up until now they've been silent and deadly but now they are straight-up deadly.

And LOUD.

I dare to look behind myself, hoping green, gaseous fog isn't following me.

I can't out run the smell.

Holy crap, I'm in burrito hell.

I'm actually afraid I sharted on the last bend of the track on lap four.

I'll never live this down.

I sneak back into the locker room and grab my clothes and car keys so I can cut school and go home. I need a shower, a clean pair of boxers and some time to figure out how I'm going to tell Bella I'm done with this ridiculous diet.

.

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Bella receives my text and lets me know she's on her way over to my house. I tell her I am not feeling well and truth be told, I'm not, but I need to talk to her face to face. I'm failing the diet, big time.

She rings the doorbell and lets herself in the house and finds me in the family room. I'm freshly showered and at the moment my gut is okay. The things I did in the bathroom on the toilet are unmentionable, so I think I'm okay for at least the next half hour.

"Hey," Bella says taking a seat next to me on the couch.

"Hi."

I reach out to hold her hand.

"You okay?"

I shake my head no.

"What's wrong?"

"It's the diet. I can't do it. I'm miserable."

"The burritos getting to you?"

"Understatement of the year."

"I could have told you that much when you insisted on eating them for every meal." She shakes her head, smiling.

"Are you going to be mad if I quit?"

"Not at all. I love that you tried it for me."

"Are you sure?"

"Totally. You're friends have been harassing me and giving me the stink eye—no pun intended—because you haven't been hanging out with them, and they miss you." She leans in to kiss my cheek. "And I miss you."

"I shouldn't have been so gun ho with the legumes, I guess."

She shakes her head again.

"No, you shouldn't have. I've been fine, and I feel great. I think I'm going to stick with this diet for a while, at least. Now will you kiss me? I've missed your lips."

"I thought you'd never ask."

I give Bella a chaste kiss, and she wraps her arms around my neck tugging on me. She wants more—God how I've missed fooling around with her. I need some Bella-couch time. _Wink._

Just as I'm laying her on her back, I can't help but one cheek sneak, letting a fart escape while I squeeze my ass, trying to keep it silent. I fear it's going to smell rank, but Bella's too engrossed in the make out session to notice, which I'm thankful for, so I continue to kiss her mouth and then her neck. My hands are fumbling with the buttons on her blouse and then, just like that, I'm in. I have her bra shoved up over her boobs when a rumbling as loud as Emmett's Chevy Big Block radiates from my stomach. My fingers instantaneously still on Bella's nipples.

"What the hell?"

"Sweet cheeks, maybe we should …"

"Edward, I swear this is not the time to do your thing. Hold it in. Hold. It. In."

"I'm trying." I imagine my ass cheeks are purple from the death squeeze I'm performing at the moment. "Bella. Don't. Move."

"I can't breathe. You're … squishing … me."

I make a decision, one that I'll never live down as long as I live. It's either life or death for Bella because I'm crushing her underneath me. I choose life for my girl. I close my eyes and roll to the floor. Butt cheeks clamped like the jaws of a snapping turtle, but as soon as I hit the floor, my tight hold releases along with the longest, loudest flatulence in the history of Edward M. Cullen.

"Bahahahahahahaha."

"Oh. My. God." I cover my face. If I can't see her, she can't see me. Right?

I hear Bella, but I feel her fingers wrapped around my hands trying to pull my hands from my face.

She's laughing but consoling me at the same time.

"Edward." Bahahahaha "Look at me." Bahahahaha.

"No. I'm dead."

"Look at me." She straddles my stomach, probably not the best seat in the house at the moment, and pulls at my hands. I finally relent, spreading my fingers, looking between them and notice her bra is back in place and her blouse is buttoned again, but her cheeks are streaked with tears of laughter. Her hand is fanning air in front of her nose.

"I'm looking."

"You know …" Bahahahaha "What this means?" Bahahahaha

"What?" I feel as though I could crawl under the couch and live there for eternity. I move my hands from my face and she leans down and kisses my mouth and then sits back up and puts her hands on her hips.

"The honeymoon is over."

**A/N:**

**Bahahahahaha!**

**I so enjoyed your reviews from the first chapter. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I also loved the ideas some of you had for another installment of TMoEC. I'm sure I'll be writing something else totally disgusting in the near future.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

**Xo**

**Gee**


	3. Chapter 3

**There have been so many great ideas thrown my way that I had a hard time choosing. The winner of this very disgusting subject matter is brought to you by one of my besties/beta, T. **

**Hope this chapter brings smiles and a few laughs. If not I'll direct you her way ;)**

_Beta/bestie Words: She should know that this girl is dirty and nasty, so it's her own fault for hanging out with me! But I'm kinda glad she does! _

**^^^ I wouldn't have it any other way! xo**

**And thank you for the AMAZING and FUNNY reviews. Some of you have given me TMI, but I love it so much. HA! I know more about some of you than I ever expected I would, but I feel strangely privileged you wanted to share. **

**SHARING IS CARING, right? O_o**

**The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen**

**Chapter 3 –Oh Bloody Hell**

I'm stuck in Home Economics class because dumb asses Jasper and Emmett said they had signed up for the class, and it would be fun for us all to be together.

Guess what?

The fuckers lie.

They love playing jokes, and his time I was the butt of one. As luck would have it, I'm only one of two guys in the classroom: me, and Royce King, or Chef King as he likes to be called—also known as Chef Douche Bag to me.

Royce announced on the first day of class that he plans to attend culinary school after graduation. So, this class makes total sense for him but definitely not for me, someone who would rather play sports than worry about cooking a whole chicken and a fucking Bundt cake for dessert.

He's a complete suck-up to the teacher, also known as Tits. He's either doing everything right, or he's tittie fucking her in the pantry after school. I hate to admit that it's probably both.

Being in Home Ec does allow me to hear all the latest gossip. It's funny and very informative, and it's the only thing that comes close to redeeming this disaster. Just today while I'm cleaning up my kitchenette station and waiting for my apple pie to finish baking, I listen to the girls sitting at the round table chatting as they answer their apple pie questionnaires.

Today's topic: Homecoming.

Bella and Rose talk shoes while Alice and Angela talk dresses. Eventually, they all chime in about their hair and nail appointments scheduled this coming Saturday. Bella, Rose, and a few others have been nominated for Queen while Jasper, Emmett, and I, along with a few others guys, are in the running for King. Everyone is making a big deal out of something that I could not care less about. It's not like the title of King and Queen will mean anything. No one is going to bow down at anyone's feet and obey rules and shit set forth by some fictitious hierarchy. No one gets to make one damn rule, so what's the point of voting for a King and Queen anyway? I don't get it. The titles are powerless; it's all about the notoriety of it all. I'm already the star basketball player and have been since freshman year, and that's enough for me.

"Wouldn't it be cute if you and Edward were voted King and Queen?" Alice asks. She wasn't nominated, and I'm sure it's because she's always been a quiet, keep-to-yourself-kind of girl. I wonder if the majority of our high school even knows she exists.

Bella smiles, and I can't help at that moment but to wish the votes sway in our favor when I hear her answer.

"Edward is my King no matter what, but yeah, it would be kind of amazing."

"Hey, what about me and Em?" Rose complains.

Alice teases. "A crown wouldn't fit on Emmett's big head."

"He does have a big head if you know what I mean." Rose smirks, waggling her brows.

In unison, the table echoes with ews, and I laugh-out-loud which draws their attention my way.

"Don't look at me!" I throw my palms up in surrender. "I'm not confirming or denying Rose's accusation," I say, smirking because I've been in the locker room with Em, and just because he's a big guy, doesn't mean he's big everywhere, if you know what I mean, but I'm not bursting anyone's bubble and risking the wrath of Emmett McCarty. Maybe, just maybe, he's a grower. I hope so for Rose's sake. Just sayin'.

"Anyway ...," Bella says to keep the conversation going. "I think it would be adorable for you two to win." She gives Rose a side-hug from her chair.

"Thanks." Rose smiles, and the conversation instantly veers off to a topic that has me cringing: periods.

Evidently, three of the four girls will be on their and (I quote) cycles soon.

I turn my back, cover my ears and hum a Meghan Trainor song— 'cause that shit's addicting—before another word on the topic makes my eardrums shrivel up along with my dick.

I'm almost positive the girls deliberately bring up less than appropriate subjects on purpose. It's a sure-fire way to get me to ask for a pass to the restroom or clean chalkboard erasers because anything is better than listening to anyone talk about those issues.

I'm saved by the bell when the timer on the oven chimes. I pull out the perfect pie and set it on the cooling rack before speed walking to the teacher's desk, asking to be excused.

"It's the fourth time this week you've asked to leave the room. Do you have a problem with your bladder, Mr. Cullen?"

"No, ma'am. I uh … yes, actually I do." I nod my head and fold my arms across my chest. I fidget pretending I'm about to pee my pants.

The teacher raises her eyebrow in question but finishes signing the pink slip. Before handing the paper to me, she says, "Home Ec isn't for boys, Edward. It's for _real_ men like Royce over there. If you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen."

I mask my laugh with a cough.

"That's what I'm doing," I mumble under my breath.

She's tasted my food. She knows I'm a damn good cook, but all I can say is yes, ma'am instead of telling her I'm not versed on the topic of menstruation nor do I want to be.

I take my time moseying to the boy's restroom—on the other side of the school—wasting as much time as I can. I figure if I give the girls some space, by the time I get back, my dessert will be somewhat cooled and ready to serve. My plan is to offer big slices to them so they shut their pie holes.

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Saturday arrives, and Bella forewarns me she has cramps and really doesn't feel like going to the dance. It's no big deal to me, but I dropped some coin on a fly-as-hell tux, and I think we should at least make an appearance.

"Just one dance, Sweet Cheeks?"

"All right, but I feel like poo."

"I'll Google home remedies for cramps and get back with you."

Through her moans and sweet thank-yous, she agrees.

I sit in front of my computer and type in 'remedies for cramps'. The first thing that catches my eye is Menstrual Cramps: 6 Home Remedies. There are six: exercise, heat, chamomile tea, making sure you're getting enough vitamin D, and then my heart stops when I see number five.

I jump from my computer chair, sending it skidding across the wood floor with a screech until it crashes against my wall. My arm waves above my head in an extravagant fist pump, and I'm doing the Dougie.

Holy fucking shit, this is a man's wet dream, and it totally has to work.

The internet doesn't lie, right? And number five is telling me having an orgasm will help!

My dick does the happy dance, twitching and pulsating in my Batman boxers.

I disregard number six because I don't fuck with needles; acupuncture isn't my thing.

I run to the bathroom and take care of business: shit, shower and shave.

In less than thirty minutes, I'm out the door wearing a black tux with a red bow tie. Bella's corsage box is gripped in one hand, and I'm stuffing my wallet in the inside breast pocket of my tux with the other. I feel debonair-as-fuck until I trip. The toe of my shoe catches in a crack in the driveway, and I'm fighting to get traction with the other foot to right myself, but the plastic-bottom shoes are hopeless, and I'm flailing in the air.

I'm the starter piece of an intricate domino puzzle, catapulting toward the ground.

Bella's flowers sail out of my hand, hitting the ground first. My face is next, landing smack dab on the plastic box, sending the red and white buds shooting out from their safe haven like a rocket. At least my handsome mug has been saved from road rash by the clam shell container, but my palms are scratched and slightly bloody. In less than a second, I pop back up on my feet like I've just stuck a gold-medal landing in the Olympics. Shaking away the pain, I pick a few pieces of sandy grit from my skin before quickly sliding my Ray Bans on my face. I swagger past the crushed flowers and pimp-walk the rest of my way to my Volvo.

I'll get Bella flowers another time.

I plan on making a pit stop at Walmart for supplies before I pick up my sexy date. I had made a mental list back at home while surfing the web, so this should be an in-and-out trip. It pains me to see Bella this way, in pain, and I'll to do whatever it takes to make her feel better because I know all about cramps—I get them on occasion when I play basketball—although mine are in my legs and not my lady parts.

FYI—Not that I have lady parts, but I sure can sympathize.

I nod at the eighty-year-old-grandpa-greeter when he salutes me as I enter the land of Made in the USA. First and foremost, I dash to the condom aisle and pick up a box of Trojans, the ones sitting next to the stout box of Magnums—even the box is cocky. Junior is a tad jealous until I grab him and give him a gentle apologetic squeeze.

And then like that, we're cool again.

I take off like a man on a mission because truly I am. The dairy department is halfway across the store from the rubbers but I'm quick as lightening. In thirty-five seconds, I'm sliding into the yogurt section like a baseball player sliding into home.

There's no doubt that I'll be MVP tonight with as many homeruns as I plan on scoring.

I grab a gallon of chocolate milk because vitamin D, duh, and take off for the tea aisle. I skip getting a heating pad, figuring number two will be remedied by us taking a hot bath in the hotel room I've rented.

After number five on the remedy list, the multiple O's I've gifted to Bella, and number two, apply heat, the dual purpose hot bath will clean off the jizz on my dick and sooth her achy muscles.

The speedy checkout lane is available, so I place my items on the conveyor, and Lord, love-a-duck, those stupid last-minute purchase items get me every-damn-time. I toss a pack of gum, a bag of Corn Nuts, dental floss, a lighter, a bag of M&amp;M's, hand sanitizer, a mini package of Kleenex tissues, a King Sized Hershey bar with almonds, a trial size container of Nutella, an As Seen on TV Perfect Bacon Bowl and the latest copy of Star magazine—because I need to know all about Kim Kardashian's devastating STD she contracted over her holiday in St. Croix.

A tired, scratchy voice brings me out of my last minute buying spree.

"I'm sorry, kiddie, but you have too many items for this lane," a grey-haired lady named Shelly says. Her smock is decorated with award buttons for the great service she supposedly gives. She pops a piece of gum between the few teeth she still has in her mouth. "You'll have to move to lane four."

"Ma'am, please. I'm in a hurry. My girl has cramps, and I'm going to be late." I motion to my face with Vanna White hands. "I fell on my face, and thank God this didn't get messed the fuc—"

She cuts me off."Fine. I won't tell if you won't. I have two grown children living with me and a couple of grandkids." She shakes her head and reaches for the box of condoms. "I need this job."

"Swear. Your secret is safe with me."

I'm sacking my own crap and then swipe my debit card before the Walmartpolice catch us for disobeying the twelve-items-or-less sign. Shelly, grandma-checker, winks and hands me my receipt.

"Later." I wave over my shoulder and salute the old dude as I leave.

.

.

.

Red looks great on Bella. I can't take my eyes off her dress—or her boobs practically spilling out of the strapless number she's wearing. To my horror, Chief catches me eye-fucking his daughter, so I pretend there's a piece of lint and reach for the imaginary fuzz in hopes he doesn't realize I'm a total perv.

I think he knows though because he's rubbing his mustache with his thumb and forefinger in very premeditated way, like he's plotting my demise. Bella puts her arms around Charlie, bringing him out of his death stare.

"You two have a good time but not too good." He looks me dead in my eyes. "You hear?"

"Yes, sir. We plan on having a wonderful time at the dance."

I'm suddenly nervous; my palms slicken with sweat and they burn like a mofo.

"We will, Dad. I'm spending the night with the girls, remember? See you in the morning."

Bella gives him a peck on the cheek, leaving a red stain. A perverted piece of me hopes she leaves a red stain on Junior tonight.

I escort Bella to my car like a perfect gentleman, opening the door and waiting until she's safely inside. Chief peers out the front door, and I feel like the old dude from Walmart when I salute him from the driveway.

.

.

.

The dance is lame. Jasper and Rose win Homecoming King and Queen, so Alice and Emmett dance like fools off to the side while Rose and Jasper fulfill the requirement of the first dance together.

As promised, Bella and I dance once and then leave our friends in favor of our hotel room. I feel bad because although I would have liked to try the remedies on Bella before the dance, there was no way we would have ended up at the school at all had we gone to the hotel first.

Bella rubs at her back and grimaces, so I scoop her up and into my arms and cradle her to my chest. Her shoes dangle from her fingers, and she lays her head on my shoulder.

"You okay?"

"No, I hurt."

"No worries, Sweet Cheeks. I got you."

I had dropped the goodies off at the hotel before picking Bella up this evening, so everything is ready to go once we arrive.

I get right to work once the key twists in the lock of our hotel room door.

"So, I checked the internet like I said I would." I walk over to the bed where Bella is standing.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I say as my fingertips lightly graze the skin on her delicate shoulder, trailing down her arm.

"And." Her breath is shallow as my fingers tickle her arm.

"Instead of telling, I'll show you." My arm wraps around her waist, and my free hand finds the zipper on her red dress. I kiss at her neck, and she hums.

Once the dress is unzipped and sliding off Bella's slender body, I take her hand and help her step out. I notice her panties aren't the usual thongs, and I wonder why she opted for a more full coverage pair of underwear but brush it off.

"Babe, I think I just need to lie down," she says.

"Funny, but that's part of my plan. Would you like a glass of chocolate milk first?"

Bella brows pinch together. "Um, no, I'm fine, thank you."

"But Sweet Cheeks, it's part of the remedy." I stand and walk toward the mini fridge.

"Are you having some?" she asks.

"Yeah, I love chocolate milk."

"All right then." I glance back at Bella, and she's now curled up on one of the down pillows and under the covers with them pulled to her neck.

"Here." I offer her a plastic cup of milk, and she reaches for it as she sits up against the headboard.

"This is supposed to help with cramps?"

I nod. "And a few other things." I snicker to myself. Maybe after the milk eases some of her symptoms, she'll be ready for the orgasms I have planned.

Bella must have been thirsty because she gulps down her milk in nothing flat. "Want another?" I ask.

"I'm good."

"All righty then." I set our cups on the stand next to the bed and snuggle into Bella, kissing her neck and bare back. I let my fingers roam her side and thigh, and she wiggles her ass into my already hardened dick.

"You know we can't do anything, right?" Bella says.

"That's not what I read on Periods dot com."

"Well, Periods dot com doesn't know how heavy of a flow I have either."

"Flow?"

"Yes, flow."

"Oh, um. I guess I didn't think about that, but I don't care, Sweet Cheeks. I'm willing to do anything to make you feel better."

"How is sex supposed to make me feel better?"

"It's the orgasm that has the healing power."

Bella rolls my direction. "Really?"

"I wouldn't lie to you."

"Are you sure you want to attempt riding the red pony?"

The visual she just paints is weird. I imagine a red horse galloping and then sprinting at full speed down a race track, so I nod.

"Okay, then. Let me go to the bathroom first." Bella seems to have become shy. "I just need to …" She bites her bottom lip. "Take my tampon out."

"We could go all Fifty Shades of Grey." I haven't read the book, but I've heard talk in the locker room about how Mr. Grey pulls a bloodied tampon out of a pussy. I'm pretty sure it would gross me out, but I offer none-the-less.

Bella smiles and puts her hand up to her mouth to stifle a laugh. "I'm no Ana. I can handle that on my own, Mr. Cullen." She winks, and I thank God for her declining my offer. _Shivers._

While Bella is in the bathroom taking care of business, I get my remedy arsenal ready. I heat water for her tea using the coffeepot and then line up five condoms on the bedside table. I strip out of my tux and crawl back in bed, then reach for my phone to set the mood with some Barry White while waiting for Bella to return to me.

Once she is back in bed, I immediately take her panties off. No sense in delaying what's coming. I want her better, and this is the remedy. "Captain Cullen to the rescue!" I chant,making a giant show of opening condom number one and rolling it on my dick.

This isn't the first time Bella and I have had sex, but it is the first time we've been in a hotel room and the first time I'll be diving into the Red Sea. I'm trying to be smooth and shit, but when I lean over to kiss her, we bump heads, hard.

"Ouch!" Bella rubs her forehead.

"Shit!" I rub at mine. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Sweet Cheeks."

"It's okay. Now I'm focused on the pain in my head. Looks like your plan worked."

She's still rubbing her head, so I jump up from the bed and grab one of the socks I had worn tonight, filling it with some ice from the ice bucket.

"Here." I crawl back on the bed. The condom covering my dick is now hanging off the tip because I've managed to deflate Junior while I clumsily tried to mount my girl_. It's an ugly sight._ "Use this." I hold my ice-filled sock out to her.

"Really? Gross."

"It's all I have." I sit back on my heels, watching Bella pull the covers even higher around her neck. Before we bonked heads, I was at least able to see her tits. _Nice move, Cullen._ "Wait. I have an idea."

I eye the condoms and figure at this rate, I'll be lucky to be able to stick it in Bella once, much less five, so I hurry and rip open another package and put it to my mouth, blowing into it so it's at its full capacity. I perform some sort of nameless gymnastic move as I catapult myself off the bed and toward the ice bucket again. I hear snickers from behind me, and I'm happy I'm entertaining Bella. I stuff about twenty small cubes of ice into the condom, leaving myself enough room to tie it off. To add to the entertainment factor, I run and flip onto the bed, and I have to say I'm pretty impressed with my abilities, seeing as I end up with my head in the center of my own pillow.

"Here." I raise the frozen rubber to Bella's forehead and between her giggles and ahs, I know I've done something right.

"Feels good."

We lay next to each other, me holding the cold, dick-shaped compress for her, and I tell her to relax. At one point, I think she's dozed off, so I take it off and notice a nice red burn from the ice, marring her forehead. _Holy shiz. How is she going to explain a dick print on her face?_

"I'm not asleep."

"Does your head feel better?"

She nods, so I take that as my mounting cue. I stroke my dick several times, and it doesn't take long for Junior to stand at attention. The whole time Bella is watching me jack off, and I'm not even the least bit embarrassed because I get to stick it in soon. I rip open another condom package and quickly slide it on my dick.

"I promise this is going to feel _so_ good."

"It can't feel any worse than I do at the moment."

"I'll be gentle." I pull the covers back and slide underneath. Bella opens her legs and I situate myself between them. I should have thought about the aftermath, and grabbed some towels, but I was mostly just thinking of my dick and Bella's cramps.

"Okay," she whispers in my ear as I line myself up at her entrance. I push in slowly, not wanting to cause her anymore pain. "Oh," she gasps.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. It feels so good."

I continue the slow slide into my girl as her legs wrap around my waist.

"More." Bella grabs at my ass and pulls me in even farther. I do as she wants and pump in and out, first with a slow rhythm, but she's begging for more, so I go for the gusto.

The sounds are like nothing I've ever heard before. Our bodies are loud as they slap together, and her pussy is even more slick and juicy than normal. I wonder why I hadn't thought about period sex before—it's amazing! Thanks periods dot com!

"Oh, yeah."

"You like this, Sweet Cheeks?"

"Yes." Her acknowledgement is drawn out, and she sounds like a snake. It's fucking hot.

With Barry White egging us on in the background, we are two gyrating, heavy-breathing sex machines.

I grip Bella's ass when she utters, "I'm close."

"O … kay." I'm out of breath. This is comparable to the basketball warm-up Coach puts us through at practice.

"Don't stop."

I'm not stopping, so help me, God, I. Am. Not. Stopping.

Another snakey sounding yes echoes in the room, and I feel her pulsating around my dick. I don't stop until I've filled the condom which is only a few seconds later.

"Mmm," Bella moans, curling into a ball on her side, watching me huff and puff in my post-coital bliss.

"That was pretty good." Her fingers trail down my chest, under the blankets and wrap around my still hard dick. It's sensitive, so I take hold of her wrist and pull her hand to my chest.

Bella gasps.

"What?" I open my eyes, and Bella holds her bloody hand up for me to see. "Oh, gross."

"What'd you expect?"

"Honestly? I didn't think about it."

Bella carefully inches the covers down from our torsos to reveal what is hiding beneath the white sheets.

"Holy, mother of fuck!" I jump out of bed, almost falling to the floor when I catch my reflection in the mirror and it's worse than the huge mess of blood on the sheets. I scream like I've been attacked. My stomach, covered in Bella's blood, has me panicking. If I didn't know better, I'd think I had been shot.

"Calm down."

"Not my best idea," I chant over and over. My feet won't move. I'm rooted in place until my brain catches up with the panic rolling through my body.

"We can take a shower."

"Are you sure you're okay? There's. So. Much. Blood!" The wall catches me when I start feeling faint, and I suck in several large deep breaths through my nose.

Bella, sitting in sheets of red, laughs. "I told you my flow was heavy, and it didn't seem to bother you fifteen minutes ago."

"I think I'm going to be sick." I push off the wall, running for the toilet, and I feel Bella on my heels.

"It's fine, baby. I'm fine." She rubs my back as I puke. I feel like a grade-A pussy as vomit hurls from my insides.

When I'm finished making a fool out of myself, I step back and rinse my mouth with water and then step into the shower that Bella has started. Instead of me taking care of her, she's taking care of me.

"Thanks," I mutter.

The water rinses the blood clean from our skin, and it helps that Bella is soaping me up as well. I stand here, defeated like a soggy puppy in the rain.

"I appreciate everything you tried doing for me," Bella says, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her tits are pressed up against me, and Junior can't help but wake from his steam induced coma. I smile, kiss her nose and tuck Junior between my legs putting him in timeout. There's no way in Hell he's going back into her bloody depths.

"You're welcome."

"If it makes you feel any better, that orgasm really worked. I don't feel crampy anymore."

"Really?'

Bella nods. "Yep. I'm good as new." Her lips graze my neck, and her fingers scrape up and down my back in a seductive little dance. "Wanna?"

Shaking my head violently wisps of my hair scatters water everywhere. "No! I'm not ever doing that again."

Bella reaches around me turning off the water. "Come on, puker. Let's dry off and watch some TV." She looks over her shoulder as she steps out of the tub and blows me a kiss.

"That's the best idea I've heard all day." I pinch her ass, and she squeals trying to get away from me. "But may I fix you some tea?" I holler as she leaves me all alone in the bathroom.

"I'd love some."

**A/N: YAY! If you have made it this far then you get a gold star. LOL Soooo gross!**

**Tracy, my dearest beta, thank you for always making time for me and giving me your undivided attention. ILY hardcore! xoxo**

**Thank you for the reviews, follows, faves and recs.**

**Any complaints should be directed Tracy's way ;) JK**

**Xo,**

**OhGee**


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